Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I can text with my tongue
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
