I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
