dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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