I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
