How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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