You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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