Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
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I feel a five day drunk coming on.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
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Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.