32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
make that 40.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone