Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Randomize
