Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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