Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
