ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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