Just fell off a train. Bad.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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