You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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