I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
