Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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