Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
