i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
