my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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