I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Fuck appropriateness.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
