Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
