if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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