My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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