At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
