You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
