Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
