o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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