okay pat passed out under dana's car
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
