if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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