So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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