I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
