I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
