I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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