Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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