So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
