Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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