you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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