I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
