Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
