I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
