I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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