I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
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Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
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I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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