clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
