she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
