They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
