saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
