Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
