Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
