Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
