How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
