she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
