god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
