i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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