I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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