Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
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